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Meeting the Korean parents!!
Poster: ****** Date: 15-Oct-2006

So, I am an American girl (not ethnically Korean) engaged to a Korean guy who is only been in the US 3 years.
In a few months, he and I will be traveling to meet his parents in Ulsan.
I consider myself pretty polite by US standards, but all these Korean social rules have got me terrified. I don't want his parents to hate me, especially since they already have reservations about their son not marrying a Korean girl.
He keeps telling me not to worry as I nervously flip through culture books. However, I think he is not being honest about how important all these rules are. My family is very casual and relaxed within their relationships. Everything I hear about Koreans is that this is NOT the case.
My question is: how scared should I be?


Thank you for any help you can offer!
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Replies:
****** (16-Oct-2006)- Not scary
Don't be scared. If you have taken the trouble to look through culture books, you're half way there.

It's true that Korean parents tend to be rather conservative and practical about these matters (i.e. are you healthy and going to be a devoted housewife and mother?) and romantic feelings are perhaps not as important as they are in the West. If you marry with their son, you would become part of his family in the Korean sense, with obligations towards your mother-in-law. So it would be good to show willingness to learn Korean and behave in the accepted way for a daughter-in-law, mother-in-law relationship. The mother of your boyfriend is the key figure in the picture, so that's where you need to devote most attention. If you intend to live in the US and they are relaxed about that, then you should obviously have less problems.

So, in short, there are a lot of "rules", but if you show yourself to be a genuine, caring and good-natured person who is willing to adapt and learn, then you can probably win over the parents even if you do make mistakes.
****** (31-Oct-2006)- Thank you
Thanks, skylark -

Thanks for your reassurance and encouragement.
My fiance is very vague when talking about his culture, so I definitely appreciate your insights.

One thing is: since his mother has been living surrounded by a bunch of men her whole life, I can't see her disliking me too much. ;)

I'll be sure and post how it all works out.
Thanks again!
****** (4-Nov-2006)- totally understand!
I totally understand your concerns since I am almost in the same situation. I am meeting my bf parents in Korea in a few months and I am also worrying what they would think about me. His parents is not really positive to our relation as it is and all the Korean customs will probably not make it easier for me to be accepted. One positive aspect of this situation is however that I think they probably can't be more negative than now, when they haven't met me. Also my bf says his parents might be more understanding when they see our love for each other. I hope he is right...

It is hard to give any advice but of course it seems very important to be very polite. In the same time it might also be valuable to show your personality. But if you already is engaged to this man his parents can't be too negative about you. To show respect for the parents seem to be extremely important in the korean society and that makes me doubt that they are really against your relationship.

Anyway, good luck!!!!
****** (8-Nov-2006)- WOW
Molly and Krystalyu,

Thank you both for your helpful insights. I am learning more and more what "valuing sons" really means in Korean culture, and it's a little scary. Fortunately, my fiance is the second son.

Krystalyu,
Your story is amazing. I am so sorry that your meeting of the Korean parents was such a disaster. Wow. I know that must have been very hurtful. It is a testament to you and your husband's love for each other that you got married anyway and are making your own happiness together.

I dare say that after hearing your experience, Molly and I will probably show up in Korea with as many gifts as we can carry on a plane, and (cautious) smiles from ear to ear.

Families get so emotional about who their children marry that it seems relations can get so nasty in a hurry. Molly brings up a wonderful point that she hopes attitudes will change when her bf's family sees they are in love. I am hoping love can work wonders for all of us.
Families aside, it sound like all of us are fortunate enough to have found good men who we love, and we haven't let the cultural differences get in the way of happiness.

I wish you both the best in your relationships and also with the family situation!
Molly, Good luck with the parent meeting!
**
As for me, I am not going to Korea until the spring. I will post what happens. Thanks!
****** (9-Nov-2006)- Korean mentality
I'm putting in my 2 cents because I think the Korean mentality is a little misunderstood.
Marriage in Korea isn't just seen as a coupling of 2 people in love.
In Korean, marriage is often seen as a vehicle by which family wealth is maintained and bloodline/family name is continued.

In krystalyu's case, her husband is only one that can continue the family name and lineage. (Koreans trace their lineage on the father's side).

Krystal's kids will probably have a better future in the US as mixed race people are still discriminated against in Korea (in school, jobs, society in general, etc.). Which means that Krystal's father-in-law's descendents will disappear from Korea. There will be no more Korean descendents for the family in Korea. This is huge problem and a major loss of face for the father.

I personally think that krystal's husband did his father wrong.
Family responsibility as the only son in the family is much more important than one's love.
I think he was being selfish and I think most Koreans will agree with me.

It's not that Korean don't understand love.
It's that they consider other things related to marriage to be much more important.

****** (12-Nov-2006)- a western view
Flyingmonk,

For an outsider looking in for the first time, Korean mentality is difficult to grasp. Thank you for your insights.
In return, I thought I would offer an observation about romantic love/marriage from a westerner's point of view.
Pervasive in western media and popular culture is the idea that if a person gives in to familial, financial, or social pressure to NOT marry the one they love, then they MUST have a character flaw. Backing down from love is seen as weak. It means that one's heart wasn't strong enough to deserve to love.

For instance, my family is currently not speaking to me because I am going to marry a buddhist man from Korea. If I were to give in to my family's wishes and abandon him, I would be completely disgusted with myself. It would be a sign that I did not deserve to marry him in the first place because my love for him couldn't even withstand the adversity of my family.
I would expect the same commitment from my fiance if he was facing heat from his family.
In short, you don't deserve a love that you aren't willing to fight for.

I admit this is a romanticized idea, which is perhaps why literature loves a good forbidden marriage.
Also, it is staunchly individualistic as parents are expected to accept this principle in their children's lives...but that's the culture.

I am not saying that family is unimportant, or that one cultural idea is superior to another.
I simply wanted to express that society has taught my American peers (male and female) that to abandon one's true love for any reason shows a severe lack of personal strength.


****** (14-Nov-2006)- about traditions
Thanks silly girl and krystalyu! It means a lot to hear from people with the same problems as you have. No one of my friends understands my situation and therefore I am so grateful I have people I can talk to about it. I certainly agree that nice presents is a good idea. I will try that. Unfortunately my boyfriend is the oldest and only son which makes me a bit more sceptical after reading krystalyu's and flyingmonk's emails (and also what I have heard before). Although all the worrying I am happy to go to Korea in the beginning of next year and I promise to tell you about my experiences.

Flyingmonk,
I understand your point and I can understand this is true, especially for the older generation. However I don't agree that this can not be changed. The young generation between 20-30 seem to have other attitudes about marrying for love and toward foreigners in general. My boyfriend, silly girl's fiance and krystalyu's husband choosed us although the korean traditions. That must say something. For the older generation I think this would not be possible. I mean that the korean society change and I don't think it is the right strategy to let all the korean traditions remain as they are but to understand that Korea, like all other countries always change.

Furthermore I don't think that you can look at this in such a rational way. I didn't decide to fall in love with my boyfriend, it just happend. If I was looking for a relationship without any problems I would probably not have choosen my boyfriend, but at least in my experience love doesn't work that way. When you find true love you become willing to fight for it and that is what I am trying to do.
****** (14-Nov-2006)- Reply to original post
New to this forum, so excuse my intrusion into this discussion, but I thought I might take a stab at your worries...

There are numourous examples of Korean men marrying foreign (by definition most Koreans mean "foreign" to be defined as white...at least that's what all my Korean friends tell me) women. It's neither something extremely rare, yet at the same time easily accepted by the parents concerned.

I think for the most part it depends on 1) where in the family your fiance stands - is he the oldest? and 2) how many other boys are there in his family? I bring this up because the heaviest family responsiblity to maintain filial piety is on the sons of the family, in particular the first born. He sets the example for the rest of the children of the family and it's a very big burden to carry (this is true of almost all Asian families so is not unique to Korea). My point here being that if he is not the first born son or the eldest and he does have other brothers, it might not be as bad as you think or as bad as it sounds here on the forum.

It will of course be an uphill battle for you and your fiance, and at times it might turn rather ugly for him. But with perseverance and your willingness to please your mother-in-law (this is very important and given your cultural upbrining, you may find some of the customs very anti-womens' lib) will probably work to your advantage.

Race aside, the main concern for his mother is probably her ability to communicate with you. As mentioned, you will be expected to be a "good daughter-in-law" by Korean standards and as with my mother and my wife, no communication due to language barriers means a lot of me being in the middle.

Just try to remember that sons play a very important role in Korean families. Besides carrying on the family name, they have other duties within the family that need to be maintained. If the father is absent, the son assumes the role of head of household in many Korean homes. Korea is a very male-centric society and women have their place. Korean women of course don't like this so much these days, but they bear it for the most part because regardless of their own wants, they understand their role in the family. If you decide to stay in Korea and get a job, for example, you shouldn't be surprised if your boss tries to get you to quit when you become pregnant.

I was pretty scared to meet my wife's parents during our first meeting. My wife had mentioned a lot of the things you may hear and I had done what you did and read a lot of the books to try to understand the culture. But, things in Korea are changing much faster than those books can be revised and republished so you may find that although it might take a lot of effort, there really is gold at the end of that perverbial rainbow. When you fiance starts to question himself because of pressure from his parents, stick it out and console him...but whatever you do, DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIM CHOOSE BETWEEN YOU AND HIS FAMILY...you'll likely lose because Koreans (like most Asians in Asia) have very strong ties to family. You've made your choice out of love, and he may make the same choice, but don't force him (I only say this because it is the western tendency to force change rather than wait it out and let it happen).

Anyway, that's my $0.02
****** (14-Nov-2006)- sorry, just wanted to add this..
if you haven't seen this before, you might find this link useful...

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_South_Korea
****** (15-Nov-2006)- :)
Thank you, dkfdnls.

You've made some excellent points. I'm determined that if there are future family struggles on my fiance's side, it is not going to be because of my actions or my lack of trying. Definitely, since I've already lost the relationship of my own family, I don't want to mess up and lose anything else. But I want him to be happy and I don't want to come between him and his parents. They have agreed to meet me, so hopefully that is a good sign. I have a feeling that things are going to work out, even if this situation is not what his parents envisioned. It is very comforting to see many successful marriages on this forum, including your own. Thanks again for your helpful advice.

****** (20-Nov-2006)- to sillygirl
Hey no problem. My wife mentioned something to me when I asked her why her father was so quick to accept me; during the year that we were dating, she would continuously talk about me and stressing my good points to her mother. I think this was to get her mother on her side, and behind us getting married. You see, in the end no matter what culture you are talking about it is the women of the family that have the most influence. I suspect your fiance's father has misgivings being "a true Korean", but if you can win over the mother, then I think you are in good hands. Talk to your fiance and find out if he has said more than "well you see mom, dad...I want to marry this American girl and well, she's not quite "yellow"...I want you to meet her...please?"

Korean men aren't very good at communicating about their personal lives to their parents in the way that would be convincing, so you may need to coach your man. You should have seen the look on my mom's face when I told her I wanted to marry my wife...all she said was "well, okay...if "that's" what you want". I think she was trying real hard to hide her disappointment that I didn't choose a good Chinese girl. My mom and wife don't really communicate and my mom of course complains about it, so I'm stuck in the middle. Lesson here is, learn to communicate with your mother-in-law. Win her heart, then win her friendship...so far you seem to making all the efforts in the right direction. Now I just have to get my wife to learn English really fast....hahaha....

Additionally, you will have to start smoothing things over with your parents. Bring you fiance often and get them to start learning more about him...why? Well Koreans don't like it when there are family problems behind the marriage...your parents disapproval of the marriage because of religion will only add fuel to the "don't marry the American girl" argument. Koreans like harmony in the family because familial ties are much stronger there (as in most of Asia) than they are in the US - which is sad, really. Anyway, things like divorce, seperation, whether or not you're an orphan, etc all play negatively in the grander scheme of marriage. Point here is that if you are having trouble at the moment with your parents, don't mention it or let his parents get a feel that there is.

If you have a female Korea friend, and I mean from Korea (Koreans from Korea are very different from Koreans raised in the States) learn a bit about what is expected of women. The hardest part for me is switching between my western self and how I talk to my father-in-law and other older Koreans. Being foreign isn't an excuse...
****** (22-Nov-2006)- a little more info.
Thanks a lot, dkfdnls -

Unfortunately my future Korean inlaws already know all about my family's disapproval. I only have one parent - my mom - and she is certain that she doesn't want to meet my fiance. (I never thought it would be my family that would be this difficult, but anyway...) I hope this does not become problematic with his family, but I can already see it on the horizon.
For example, when we get married, I am not sure my mother will attend the wedding. According to my guy, this would be a huge problem for his family. He doesn't even want to invite them if my family will not be there for certain. Even if we marry in Korea (which I really cannot afford), my family's absence would be a problem for his side. So, now we don't know what to do and are considering eloping.

Also, my fiance is pretty much the only Korean I know. I really have no personal basis for the whole female social scheme. uh oh. Luckily, while I am visiting him for Thanksgiving (my fiance and I live in separate cities) I will have the opportunity to meet some Koreans (from Korea) who will have older relatives visiting them as well. I plan to use this experience to investigate "elder behavior" and take mental notes for later.

On a funny side note, my mother said to me that love is not the most important thing in marriage. When I told my fiance this, he replied, "Are you sure she is not Korean?"



****** (23-Nov-2006)- hmmmm
Well I wouldn't say your situation is a huge problem, but it certainly will be one that won't be accepted easily. Your mother and her objections plus the fact that she is divorced(?) or at least not living together with your father (again, assuming divorce) will likely be an issue for the parents.

My mother and father live seperately, but are not divorced or even seperated in the legal sense of the word...just my dad works in a different country while my mom stays home in Canada. Anyway, my wife's father was a little concerned about this in the beginning but I told him it was a decision that they both made for the benefit of the family...and besides, lots of people do it...it sucks for the kids, but sometimes you gotta go where the money is. Anyway, point here is that it was an issue.

I don't want to sound mean or anything, but is your mother "racist"? I don't mean it in a bad way, although I guess there really isn't any other way to make it sound, but seems religion is an excuse for a bigger issue since your mother outright refuses to meet your fiance.

Personally, I don't think it would be a good idea for the 2 of you to elope without at least his parents approval. It just doesn't seem like a good way to start a happy life together and I'm sure it will eat at him. People in love will do a lot of things, it's the consequences of those actions that are usually an afterthought. I'd hate to see the 2 of you have problems later with your families over this...and I'm pretty sure he'll have quite a few if he elopes.

Anyway, think it through first because you have to remember about your children...what would it be like to not to be able to see their grandparents?

I think if your fiance really loves you he'll fight as you have to keep you...no matter how long it takes. Resistance will be normal and as you know, expected at first but overtime even the most harshest critic can be won over...it's just a matter of how long you're willing to wait. Anyway, from a personal point of view I just feel that in order for your life together to get off on a good start you should at least get his parents' approval...I think you'll feel much better for it...but that's jus my 2 cents.
****** (1-Dec-2006)- reply to your comments
"Is my mother racist?"
I don't know. Maybe. It's something I've considered.
We don't always know why people have the reactions that they do. There are a number of things that have happened in my mother's life that I will never be able to relate to, so I am hesistant to simplify her response to being pure prejudice.
Also, never understimate the power of religious conviction to be...well, exclusionary. It's an unfortunate shortcoming of many religious people. Given my mom's strong personality, I am not so surprised she is taking a stubborn stance on this issue.
Compounding the problem is the fact that she wishes I would focus more on my career without the distraction of a relationship. Also, she doesn't trust my judgment and thinks I am easily manipulated.
Of course, this is all crap, but I have accepted that in some ways my mother and I will never understand each other.

As for my fiance's family, I intend to be extremely nice to them and suck up to the 10th degree. If, however, they do not approve, that's their problem. In that situation, they would have to "come around" in the same way that my mom will have to.
I am not that worried there will be an issue (they are reasonable people who trust their offspring -- unlike my mom). I'm relying on my fiance to test the waters with regard to the elopement issue, so we'll see.

On another note, Thanksgiving with lots of Koreans went very well. Korean food is amazing, and the Koreans I met were fun and welcoming. The biggest oddity of the night was the fact that there were NO NAPKINS to be found anywere at the table (low style). It's funny how insecure I felt without access to a napkin. Also, everyone teased me about my chopstick skills -- but all in good fun.

Thanks again to everyone for your comments and encouragement.

****** (14-Dec-2006)- sillygirl
I had to laugh at your comment about the chopstick skills. I guess I use them 'backward' but hey, it works. I've tried to learn to do it right but I've been using them a certain way for too many years to change now. My daughter's boyfriend laughs at me (kidding of course).

The kids and I went to a Korean restaurant the other day and yes, the food was amazing. He says it's Americanized Korean and that real Korean is better so he's going to cook for us while they're here for Christmas. They're lucky, they don't have parents trying to run their lives and only want to see them healthy and happy. She is learning Hangul so that she can communicate more easily with his family when she goes to meet them in the spring.

****** (3-Jan-2007)- Happy New Year!

BeccaT,

I hope you had a nice time with your family. Did you get to eat Korean food over the holidays?

While visiting my fiance for Christmas, I tried to cook Korean food several times. I had only partial success. One dish turned out tasting Italian...but hey, it was still good.
My other attempts were a little more authentic - that or he was just being nice.

Then I learned that when I visit Korea I would have to eat with metal chopsticks... darn it, I was just beginning to get the hang of eating with the wooden kind!

Oh well, happy New Year to everybody!

****** (4-Jan-2007)- good luck to you all
I was planning to go to see my boyfriend in Korea next month. But now my boyfriend's father forbid me to come. His reason was that the trip would make us closer, and that he doesn't think things should get serious between us. Even though we really love each other my boyfriend broke up with me because he realized his parents never would accept me. In my culture you are not that dependent on doing what your parents say, but it is different in Korea. I understand that. I just wish his parents wouldn't have to judge me because I am not Korean. I was willing to learn. But I never got any chance to show them who I really was.

I think things will change eventually when the young generation grows up. But that will be too late for us, even though I truly believe he was the love of my life. Okay, it didn't work out for us but I want to wish all the other Western/Korean couples good luck. Of course you go on with your relationships because of love, but I also think you contribute to making the Korean society more open to foreign people and more toleratant to international or mixed couples. Good luck to you all!
****** (4-Jan-2007)- _
Molly,

I am so sorry to hear that your relationship has a sad ending. I'm sure you are a wonderful person, and his parents are missing the mark by refusing to meet the person who so obviously loves their son.
You deserve to be loved unconditionally. I am confident that you will find that love in your lifetime. I commend you for your very positive outlook on your whole situation. I wish all the best for your future. Best of luck to you as well.
****** (5-Jan-2007)- some more info
sillygirl,

I think it's wonderful that you and your boyfriend got engaged, and that his parents are willing to meet you, despite their reservations toward their son wanting to marry a non-Korean.

I am a Japanese-American with a Korean-American boyfriend. We were both born and raised in the U.S., but our parents come from different countries. His parents live in Korea Town, and believe in keeping the Korean blood "pure". For as long as my bf can remember, he has been told by his parents that he must marry a Korean woman. Since our relationship has gotten very serious,we have been having a lot of discussions lately about when and how to meet his parents. I started to take Korean lessons, and I've studied a lot about the history between Japan&Korea...they are two closely located nations with a lot of conflicts, some of which still exist (his father hates Japan, its politics, etc.) This makes it worse for me, but my parents don't have any issues about our relationsip, so that's a comfort at least...

My boyfriend has a Korean friend who was also raised in the States, and his parents were also the very conservative types. He was dating a white American girl, whom his parents never approved of, but they got married anyway. They are very much in love and have been happily married for 2 years now. It is very sad that his parents are still too stubborn and hurt in their own way (the couple is still not invited to family gatherings), but my boyfriend's friend really tried hard to win his parents' approval, and I respect the choice he made in the end. Maybe things will change for them in the future, since they will be having a baby soon.

I know another case, which does not involve Korean parents but may also be helpful information concerning international marriages. One of my good friends, a Japanese girl, got engaged to an American man. She came to the U.S. to study, and her plan as well as her parents' wishes were to go back to Japan after finishing school. But she fell in love with a guy here and they wanted to get married. It took her parents (her father was especially rigid) 3 years to agree to meet him, and another year to approve of their engagement. They will finally be married this spring. I think that part of her parents' reasons for not wanting to approve of their marriage was the fact that neither of them spoke English, they have never been to the U.S. till their daughter came to live here, and marrying an American would mean being far apart from their daughter forever. They were probably worried and scared, since they didn't know what to expect for their child's future.

When you, sillygirl, meet your fiance's parents, I think that all you need to do is be yourself, the lovable person that your man fell in love with. And since you're already looking through culture books, which means trying to understand and respect the culture, you have nothing to worry! Your fianced says you don't need to, so you should trust him.
If for some reason his parents do not approve, it will most likely not be for any personal reasons, and I believe that you&your fiance's love could change them in time. I wish you the very best:-)

****** (7-Jan-2007)- Thanks
Thank you Sillygirl for your kind words. It means a lot. I hope you all the best in the future!
****** (12-Jan-2007)- Man it is hard
Hi All,

I'm in a little of the reverse situation.
I am engaged to a Korean girl who i met on the way
back from a trip to africa on the plan and we fell in love.
Her parents have forbid her to marry a "westerner" and she is now torn between her family and me. She was supposed to leave Dec 30th to go for a three week holiday and then come back to study, but the night before her parents told her to go back to Korea to marry a Korean guy and never return to Australia again. I was devestated when she said she was considering it, because she didn't want to hurt or loose her parents. She tried to pack her bag to go back to Korea but just ended up sitting in a pool of tears. I am really stuck on how to support her and I love her very much. I want to have a family with her. But she is now pretty much refusing to talk with her family about our situation becuase she doesn't want to have to hear her parents tell her they won't accept her if she marries me. I understand the cultural stuff, but it doesn't change the fact that they are judging someone they havn't even met. My family is very happy for me, but her family seems to think that if she wants to marry me or live here in Australia that they will never see her again. I'm afraid that she will leave me just because she doesn't want to hurt her parents, and sort of feel like im not that important if she puts her parents feelings before my own. It seems like alot of the traditional Korea ways are very controlling over the children and the parents aren't very supportive of letting their kids pursue their own happiness. Very much conditional love if you ask me.....on the other-hand Western culture is too independant and family has little value.

She doesn't really know what to do and even though i have suggested taking me to meet her parents she thinks its a bad idea. Bit of a gridlock. :(

The traditional Korean stuff seems to cause alot of dishonesty and secrecy....which in the scheme of a loving family...is very damaging if you can't be honest.
****** (13-Jan-2007)- SmellyBear Problems
You will need her mothers support. In my case, and from what I have learned about Korean culture, her mother will have the most influence on her father.

Good Luck

Rick
****** (13-Jan-2007)- Dear Miso...
Dear Misosoup,

Thank you for sharing your story, and offering encouragement.
I love good love stories, and yours sounds very strong.

You have shown a lot of patience by taking the time to understand your bf’s parents’ political views and also what they want for their children. I think that says a lot for your character. Not many women in your situation would be that understanding, but I guess love brings out the best in us. Plus, you have taken the initiative to learn Korean (and I'm sure you know more than I do ;)

Perhaps I have a tiny window into what you are up against. Before my fiance met me, he dated a Japanese exchange student while living in Korea. His parents were so upset that he was serious about a Japanese girl that they stopped speaking to him for the better part of a year. Eventually the relationship didn't work out, as she moved back to Japan. Ironically, I have to be grateful to her for softening the blow of an international relationship with his parents. By the time he met me, perhaps his parents were no longer so shocked by a cross-cultural relationship. But anyway, I understand these types of sentiments can be strong.

Of course, your situation is a bit different in that both you and your bf are Americans and share your own cultural common ground, even if your parents do not.
Probably the best thing I could say to you would be to stay true to your own advice. You are doing everything you can do to understand Korean culture and respect where it differs from your own. Many of us spend our whole lives trying to get to a point of being that open. You’ve done a lot of the hard work; now you should just be yourself and trust that his parents will see you for the person you are. (I’m sure you already know this though, since it is what you advised me to do as well.)

I know I am still nervous about my meeting, as I suspect you are too. It sounds like your boyfriend is being cautious, waiting until just the right time to introduce you to his parents, but I don’t believe that the care you two are putting into this meeting will go unappreciated in the long run.
I wish you all the best as you and your bf decide the best approach for the two of you to take. Also, congrats on your happy relationship! Keep us posted on what happens. Good luck.

****** (13-Jan-2007)- Smellybear's gridlock.
Sympathies, my friend.

That is a rough situation.
It sounds like you are being a very supportive guy, which is great because this is just what your fiance needs right now.
If you can, I would suggest trying not to feel too unloved.
Your fiance has got a lot of issues to discuss with her parents. I am assuming they are shocked, and all parents have a way of pouring on the guilt. Her parents, I assume, are worried about losing their daughter to a foreign man with a foreign culture. They are probably going to need time to get used to the idea of even meeting you.

I know that for me, I felt like a horrible daughter for telling my mother that I was going to get married no matter what she thought - and I was raised in western culture. I can imagine the pressure that your lady is feeling is even greater, considering all the Korean nuances that the rest of us don't really understand.

My advice is to be patient with her as she works on her parents to accept you...in her own way. Send her your love and remind her of how wonderful you are and why she wants to marry you in the first place. I hope that you can maintain a strong peace between the two of you. A united front is extremely formidable to the parents. Good luck in this difficult time.


****** (19-Jan-2007)- hey smellybear
Just to let you know that there are lots of us in the same boat. i am from england and see absolutely no way to my girlfriend's parents on-side....i am still a secret, for god's sake! i know that this is no help, but it kind of cheers me up a bit to know that there are other non-korean guys out there struggling against a very traditional set of expectations and a very "respect your elders" kind of culture. good luck mate. hope it works out.
****** (19-Jan-2007)- I know Exaclty How you Guys Feel.
My situation is similar. I'm a second generation American, my parents were from Taiwan. I've been working in Taiwan for the past couple years and fell in love with my girlfriend, I'm 26 and she's 23. Problem is, her parents won't accept me. Taiwanese culture sounds very similar to Korean culture by the way.

It started out when her parents found out we were dating. Everytime I left the house they would start critisizing everything about me. First it was that we are 3 years apart, supposedly bad luck on the Chinese fortune telling calendar. Then it moved on to how they hated my Mother, though they've never met. And finally outright forbiding her to go out on the weekends and afterwork and banning me from their house (She still lives with them). Now, admittedly, being born and raised in America and with very liberal parents I don't know much about Taiwanese culture and learned a lot of it the hard way, usually after I did something to offend her parents, such as wearing shorts to her house when I went to pick her up for a hike in the mountains???

Well, we've been sneaking out to be together for the past few months. I never thought I would still be doing this at 26, 16 maybe. I've always told her I supported whatever her decisions are, but it's clearly unavoidable that she will be forced to choose between me and them. Our plan is to elope next week. But only time will tell if we're successful and can get away with it.

In my experience from this whole situation, first generation asians very often fear and do exactly what their parents tell them to do. Girls especially. And well into their twenties. Something I still can't understand. At 18 I was defying my mother and telling her that I was grown up and no one could make decisions for me. If your Asian fiancee is willing to stick up for you in front of their parents for the little things, then your outlook is good, it doesn't hurt to let them know that you expect them to do so. Many Asian parents are unfortunately very racist, but it's what you and your fiancee want, not what their parents want that counts, you could always elope.
****** (8-Mar-2007)- Meeting Korean parents
I googled 'meeting Korean parents' because I am trying to educate myself for when the day actually comes. I have read most of this thread, and I find it facinating. I am Italian and its not very different in my culture. Me dating out of our community is a BIG NO NO...although once they get over it they are over it! (as long as he can eat lots of pasta).
Anyway, I wanted to ask when you say GIFTS (and prepare to spend a bit of money) - what do you mean by that?? what kind of gifts would be socially acceptable?
I am Italian girl dating a wonderful Korean man, and I would like to say that I am the kind of girl any parent would love, from what I have read as LONG AS MUM likes me its all good. Funny that, in the Italian culture, the woman are aways the ones running the family (so to speak)...
I would just like to do the right thing and if its gifts and good manners well I have the latter, just need to do the former?
Any ideas would be great - thanks!!!
****** (4-Apr-2007)- Sorry for Molly...
Sad to hear Molly's love story went to the sad ending. There are planty of fish in the sea Molly.,,, think the bright side!

to PANTS... I think you can give them Italian local fine handicraft. That is good to learn some little Italian culture and also you can find many topic to talk about it.

For Misosoup... I had both korean and Japanese friend at the same age(28). Korean friend said they hates Japanese. And no wonder, my japanese said they hates korean. Both of them dont know each other but coincidencely they did mention about the war between this two country long time ago. Anyway,I thanks to the korean drama that can make some young japanese think of them more positively.

To sillygirl... I think we are in the similar situation. My mom and my family member(including uncle and aunt all around 10 people) strongly disagree about my marriage. Despite the reason that he is older than me 15 years, he also has 2 sons with him. I truely understand my mom's heart as I am the only child of her and the first grandchild of the family(Thai family is very big and very close to eachother). I know she feeling lost and shame of me marrying an old divorced korean man. And she cant stand if people gossiping about this. But it is my fate that love brings me here, and she knows we are deeply in love. Finally after explaining, fighting and crying for almost a year, she approve our marriage but...as you can guess...she feel a little bit unwilling and she made up many conditions. Dear sillygirl, I hope you understand your mom like I do and try to compromise. Be strong! Aja aja!

TIPS: My fiance called my mom once in a while just to say hello and stuffs. Even my mom couldnt understand what he said(korean-english accent) but she opened her mind to him, little by little.
****** (11-Apr-2007)- Can't forget him...
Hi, I wrote a couple of months ago. Me and my bf broke up after his parents forbid us to meet. We tried to forget each other and move on. But we couldn't. The feelings didn't go away no matter how many reasons there are for us to not stay together. I have never met anyone I love as much as I love him. I can't help it.

Even though I am happy we are together again it is so frustrating we don't know when we will be able to see each other again. His parents don't know we got back together and he will have to lie if he would go to see me. The only way for me to come to Korea is if he convince his parents about our relationship but I really doubt they will ever change. Please give me some advice. Is there any chance his parents can change? Also, is it a good or bad strategy that he lies to his parents? I would be so grateful if anyone has some suggestions or thoughts about this. I feel so powerless. All I want is to see him again.
****** (25-Apr-2007)- Dear Molly,
It is good to hear that you are back with the one you love.
I'm sorry that your situation is so frustrating. I know you don't want to make the wrong move, and I honestly no idea what would be the best action to make his parents approve. Grr. I hate playing these strategy games with parents. It can be so ridiculous.

You have never met his parents, right?
Just out of curiousity, how old is your bf? Also, what is his parent's primary reason for not liking you? Is it because you are not Korean?

Hang in there,
Sillygirl
****** (29-Apr-2007)- thanks!
Thank you mrs yu and silly girl for your support! Since I wrote last time it has been a small progress. Finally my boyfriends parents accepted me to come to visit him in Korea. They are still not happy about our relationship but they are letting me come. I am very worried about meeting them especially after reading mrs yu's experience with her boyfriend's parents. I was so sorry to hear her story. I can't hope mine will be better. My boyfriend say we should act very cheerful and happy when we meet them but it might be hard after all they done to us.

My boyfriend is unfortunately the only son and maybe that makes things more difficult. Also, his parents are very religious(christian). That might also be a factor that makes them more strict about these things (although I am also christian).

As for your questions silly girl. My boyfriend is 24. Yes, I never met his parents. They think I am not good enough for their son because I am not Korean. They are worried about our future, where we will live etc, but also how the korean society will react towards us and our children. But their concerns also consists of biological dimensions, his father once said "but you don't understand, our family is so pure".

Anyway, thanks again for your input. I hope things are going well with your relationships.

Molly
****** (3-May-2007)- Hello dear new friend,
Hello dear new friend,
how are you today i hope that every things is ok with you as is my pleassure to contact you after viewing your profile which really interest me in having communication with you if you will have the desire with me so that we can get to know each other better and see what happened in future.
i will be very happy if you can write me through my email for easiest communication and to know all about each other,here is my email (philo4u50@yahoo.com) philo4u50 at yahoo.com i will be waiting to hear from you as i wish you all the best for your day. philo4u50 at yahoo.com
yours new friend
Philomena,
****** (5-Jun-2007)- Sillygirl Update
I just returned to the US from Korea, where I met my fiance's parents for the first time.

I can't believe how welcoming they were to me. They really couldn't have been more geniune people. His mom especially impressed me. What a kind soul! I liked her a lot, despite our language barrier. She knows I will never fully get the Korean culture, but she did ask me to take care of her son in the US. This was kind of touching.

A few suggestions to girls visiting Korea in a similar situation as my own:
-Buy new socks. You will spend a lot of time in them.
-Know how to get in and out of your shoes quickly. (Everyone else will be faster than you.)
-For your clothes: go conservative, then re-evaluate and go more conservative. Seriously.
-Eat as much as you can, even if you are not sure what something is.
-Sneak bottled water into your suitcase. I was constantly thirsty.
-Don't go overboard with the bowing, just show an effort.
-If you don't know the language, just try to look like you are paying attention. It takes effort after awhile.
-Trust your guy. I could have saved a lot of worry if I had believed my fiance about his family. Try to relax.




****** (5-Jun-2007)- thanks for the news!
Wow... I am so happy to hear everything went all right for you in Korea! Sometimes reading this chatt room is quite depressing, it is so wonderful to hear some happy stories as well. Was his mother open minded about you from the beginning? Unfortunately my bf parents doesn't seem to be as acceptable as your fiance's. But I will do my best in order to make them change their mind about me.

Since I am going to Korea next month (finally) I really appreciated your suggestions. Actually I am a bit worried, I have never been in a country that different from my own. However we are lucky to have our bf/fiance making us feel home and showing us how to behave. How did you like Korea? And also did you feel very different, walking around with your korean fiance?
****** (6-Jun-2007)- :)
Dear Molly,

I had never been out of my home country before visiting Korea, and I had such a wonderful experience. The country was very beautiful (more than I expected), and the people I met were all very kind.

I did have the advantage of traveling with my own personal tour guide. ;) However, if you’re bf is meeting you at the airport in Korea, that should be fine too. I found the airports to be very easy to navigate. Signage is in both Korean and English, and many people spoke English to me, without me even asking.

To answer a few of your questions:
His mom – Initially, his mom was not happy that her son was going to marry a foreigner. However, my fiancé is 28, and he basically told his parents that he was getting married. He didn’t ask them. Also, he is not their only son, and he now lives in the US, where the chance of dating non-Koreans is much higher. So, she did accept what was happening fairly quickly. I realize I am very lucky. She accepted me very well, without me having to do much to earn it. In your case, I think the fact that you are coming to visit your bf shows your commitment. Just be yourself and be genuine. Hopefully, his parents will recognize your sincerity.

Feeling different -
The only place were I did feel very different was on the subways in Seoul. In that close proximity, since I was the only person of a different race, I did feel like everyone was staring at me. I’m not sure if it was because I looked different or if it was the obvious interracial relationship. Maybe both. Most of the tourist places in Seoul have a decent amount of non-Koreans milling around, so you won’t be the only person who sticks out. When we were in other cities, there seemed to be less foreigners, but I was mostly with my fiancé’s family during those times. In short, people might look at you, but no one was rude about it.

I do hope that everything goes well for you on your trip. I hope it is a happy time for you and your bf, especially since you haven’t seen him in a while. If you have other questions that I can answer, feel free to email me at christinehehe@hotmail.com or you can post things here, of course.
Maybe the fact that you and your bf are both Christians will work to your benefit. That is a very strong similarity and should be a powerful positive for your side. As you know, my fiancé and I are not the same religion and this has caused big problems with my family. We may still elope.

Anyway, best of luck to you! Relax and try to just enjoy!

****** (15-Sep-2007)- update
Silly girl, I hope your relationship goes well and also that your mother is more understanding than before.

I wanted to write something about my experiences from Korea. Of course I was so worried meeting his parents. And it didn't feel better when my boyfriend's mother looked at me as I was a dead rat. However especially his father tried to be kind saying that it was nice to meet me. They invited me to a very nice restaurant and gave me presents. And I heard when I was there parents don't usually meet girlfriend if it is not serious. I tried to be very very polite all the time, bowing deep and all.

However when I came home my boyfriend told me that his parents still told him to break up with me. They said I was nice as a friend but not as his girlfriend and they keep telling him that they never will allow him to marry me. In some way it makes me a bit sad and frustrated, I tried my best but it wasn't enough. What can then make them change? I understand though this might be a very slow process, so we just have to be patient. You are lucky Silly girl and it is good to hear that not all parents are the same. Sometimes I blame the korean culture, but it also has to do with how people are.

Korea was wonderful I think and all people treated me so well. I felt really special. I was a bit confused about all the rules in the beginning but finally it was fine. I hope to come back soon again.

Take care Silly girl!
****** (19-May-2010)- Meeting the Korean parents!!
I know this thread is old, but it sort of applies to me and I thought I’d give my 2 cents with my situation. I’m American and have been dating this Korean girl for about a year and I recently met the parents who visited her in the US from Korea. Her parents are originally from Seoul, but have lived in Jeolla Province for the last 18 years. For those of you who don’t know, Jeolla is pretty conservative and traditional. Her dad is a minister in Korea and her mom helps out with the church. You can assume they’re both pretty traditional and conservative.

Anyways, my girlfriend told her parents about me and they weren’t too happy about it, but they probably didn’t think it was pretty serious. Before they came to visit the US, they weren’t too keen on meeting me and seemed dead-set against her marrying a non-Korean guy. They went to Houston for a few weeks for a conference prior to visiting their daughter in NY and they seemed to open up about the idea somewhat. I lived in Korea a few years ago for about a year and worked for a Korean company for three years, so I have some experience and exposure to Korean culture and customs. I had suggested that her parents probably wouldn’t be too thrilled about her marrying a foreigner, but they would probably tolerate or accept it. She agreed. She also said her mom would most likely be more against it than her dad since her mom had never been outside Korea before and is pretty old-fashioned.

So, we picked up her parents at the airport and I spoke some Korean to them and gave them some small gifts and helped them out with their luggage. Her mom refused to look at me. I sort of expected this. Her dad seemed a little uncomfortable at first, but he seemed a little more talkative (he speaks some English) later on. When we went out for dinner (Korean food, of course) and I spoke with the father a bit. He seemed pretty talkative and asked questions about me and my family background. He even commented that I used chopsticks really well and how I liked Korean food. His mom slowly started to look at me a little, but she didn’t say much at all.

I spoke with my girlfriend about her parents a few days later and she said that they told her that in the end it would be her choice of whether to marry me or not. Again, not totally thrilled about it, but probably willing to tolerate it. Oddly enough, she said they didn’t talk about me much at all and they seemed more upset with her direction in life, how she was unprepared to show them around the city and that she wasn’t married yet (she’s 29). So now she says she’s feeling pressure from her parents about her life and getting married soon. She said she feels she needs to please them more since she’s been an independent thinker most of her life. I want to get married with her, but I’m not sure how “pleasing her parents” bodes for our relationship. Remains to be seen, I guess.

Like I said, I have past experience with Korean culture and was kind of prepared for the worst. Korea is a very closed-off society and has been called the “Hermit Kingdom” for a reason. Even Koreans who grew up overseas usually stay amongst themselves. So, you really can’t expect Korean parents to accept you with open arms. Most of the situations on this thread seem to be about guys marrying foreign girls. Honestly, I have never seen this and all Korean men I know openly state they will only marry a Korean girl. Reading the posts here, it seems the parents’ reaction for their sons marrying foreigners is much worse than it would be for their daughters.

Oh, before I forget, I have one more story about meeting the Korean parents. A good friend of mine is American, but of Bengali decent. So, he’s pretty dark-skinned. It’s tougher for someone darker to be accepted than someone who is White. It’s a racist thing in the society. He married this Korean girl many years ago. He really got into the Korean culture and even learned the language pretty fluently and was so gung-ho about moving to Korea, even calling it his “home”. From what I gather, her parents weren’t happy at all with her marrying him, but they eventually accepted it, especially after they had a kid. What caused problems was him moving to Korea. He thought since he spoke the language and adopted to the customs that he would be totally accepted and even embraced by the society. Wrong. I told him that, but he wouldn’t listen. Six months later, he came back to NY and the humiliation and rejection put a strain on his marriage to the point where they got divorced. He said he’d never go back to Korea again.

****** (24-Dec-2010)- relationship with a korean
I too wish I had found this thread earlier. I'm an Asian (non-korean) woman dating a Korean man for the past 4 and a half years now. I have never even met his parents but they have been against our relationship ever since they first found out about me years ago. He has broken up with me a few times since, at their insistence. In fact, his father had even threatened to disown him the last time we broke up! Because of my persistence though, we always got back together again somehow. Of course, our relationship has to remain a secret though.

He told me his dad is the most traditional one out of all his aunts and uncles, and that ultimately, it will never work out because he needs his family too. In other words, no matter what, he will choose his parents. I should mention that he is also the oldest son and is an m.d. He only has 1 younger brother who never even, to my knowledge, completed college. His dad is a ph.d. so I'm sure, on top of everything, they consider themselves to be a pretty high class family and they have high expectations, especially for him - the oldest son and the doctor in the family.

I know that I'm really just screwing myself over here, but I just can't get over the fact (nor can I understand) how they can do this without ever having met me?! I'm Asian also. I come from a traditional family also, but my family has learned to assimilate, to accept, and to open up...

The sad part is that we're both in our early 30's, but we have to sneak around like 16 year olds. Being in my 30's now, I know that I should just know better to move on. But it's hard for me to accept that we were forced to break up by his parents. I keep hoping that somehow things might work out... But really, who am I kidding?! *sigh*.

We were both born and raised here in the U.S. and when we're together, I usually forget that we're not "completely" of the same nationality! While a part of me refuses to accept Korean culture (the part where they seem to discriminate against non-koreans), I do understand differences in cultures and that some societies are more oppressive than others. But I just really really wish though that, in this day and age, people could see that there is more to a person than family name or wealth or nationality or religion..

I know that eventually I will have to let him go, and even though I know that I will never ever get involved with another Korean EVER again, it was nice to read about some of the more successful relationships. Sad that my relationship couldn't be like that, but nice nonetheless.

****** (17-May-2011)- Relationship with Korean Man
Hi Sunrise,

I just happened to stumble upon this thread and my story is similar to yours. I am also of Asian decent (Hmong to be exact) and have been with my boyfriend for the past 4 years. He is 35 and I am 30. He was born in Korea, but came to the US when he was 5. He's very Americanized. He's also the only son and is the oldest. Long story short, we met 8 years ago and began dating. His parents disapproved of our relationship. We dated for about one year and then broke up.

Three years later, after he met another woman (Caucasian), had a baby girl and she left him, he and I met up again. We have now been together for 4 1/2 years and his parents FINALLY accepted me. Some of the things that helped their acceptance is that he refused to break up with me just because they didn't approve. Also, anytime he visited them, he would say little things about me here and there, telling them how I help take care of his daughter, how hard I work, my successful career, how I take care of him, etc. One thing I did was that anytime a holiday came around, whether it was their birthdays, mothers day, fathers day, christmas, etc., I would always buy a gift for them and have my boyfriend take it to them.

I never really understood why they disliked me so much. My boyfriend never quite got a clear answer from them either, other than that they think Hmong people are lower class Asians and his parents think very highly of themselves. Either way, I continued to show them that I was a hardworking individual who was successful and able to support myself, along with showing them that I care about them by buying them gifts.

Now, four years later and his parents have accepted me enough to allow me to go to their house, spend the night (which is HUGE) and they come over often and spend nights at our house. They haven't fully accepted me yet, but enought to actually get to know me. I'm not sure why they finally agreed to accept me, but I think it's because they realize that their disapproval won't get rid of me and now that they're retired, they need their only son (my bf) to support them financially. Whatever the reason is, I'm just glad that we can all spend holidays together.

I hope that it works out for you. Please keep us posted with how things turn out.
****** (30-Jul-2011)- Korean Boyfriend
Hello. Im new here and i just saw this thread. This thread is really encouraging. Credits to all those comments here.

Im chinese and have a korean boyfriend. We've been together for more than a year. Everything seems to be going on smoothly until this month that he told me that he was planning to bring me to korea to meet his family. it was just last month that he told his parents about our relationship.

Parent's reaction on our relationship:
His mom was kinda disappointed. She cried for some reason. They worry about our future kids if we happen to become husband and wife. She said that our kids might experience racial discrimination in their own country since they will have foreign mom. His dad could be disappointed as well but maybe he's not that expressive to share his feelings or thoughts.

Few days ago, my boyfriend told his parents that i will be visiting them in korea. According to my boyfriend they said its okay. His mom also asked him what food do i want. Im starting to feel a little relaxed cause it seems like its okay with them now. Wishful thinking.

Now Im just scared on what to do, how to act or what to say when i finally meet them. Im having this feeling that they might not like me.

Im planning to be there next month. I still have time to prepare. Im trying to learn some korean words. Trying to understand their culture by reading articles and threads like this. Wish me luck guys. Hope everything will go smoothly.

Thanks guys. All your stories are really inspiring.


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